Survivor Guilt
by My Divinest
Summary: He hated the way people looked at him now. They felt SORRY for him. He always got pity and he just didn’t want it anymore. They thought he wasn’t regular; that he was different because he’d lost her.


Disclaimer: I got nothing. This is a one shot…but it's kind of long…soooo prepare yourself.

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The best part about having your license is being able to jump in your car and drive. You could just drive anywhere your heart desires; down the street; to the next town; the next state; and no one could stop you. The sad part for Freddy Jones was that he always ended up in the same place.

He hated the way people looked at him now. They didn't look at him the same way. Not even close. They felt _sorry_ for him. If there was one thing he had always hated in his life it was pity. He'd gotten pity when his parents divorced; he'd gotten pity when his father died and he was left with just his mother; he got pity when his mother re-married. He always got pity and he just didn't want it anymore. They thought he wasn't regular; that he was different because he'd lost her. Well he was different.

He always came to the cemetery when he needed to get his thoughts in order. His girlfriend had been dead for a year and he kept coming back to her grave. Making his way through the maze of tombstones he knew so well, he came to the one that mattered, laid down his flowers and then looked.

Marta Jennifer Hale. Her name inscribed on the cold granite seemed so informal. It was so hard to believe that nice, funny, bubbly Marta Hale was dead…but she was and had been so for about year.

A year today to be exact.

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"Hey Marta…" Freddy began. "It's me again…well…obviously it's me. How is it up there? Better than down here? I'm doing alright…Marta…I've been thinking about that day a lot…and I'm so sorry. I've been telling you that. But baby I really am. I should have been faster, or stronger, or smarter…if only I hadn't hit him…maybe they wouldn't have killed you…my poor baby…I should have been able to fight them off…Why did I live and not you? I tried so hard to save you…why couldn't I have died in your please…god damnit I miss you so much…If only I hadn't…hadn't killed you…God Marta, I'm so sorry…so, so sorry" Freddy's voice trailed off as memories suffocated him again.

_**Flashback**_

"Oh Freddy, this day has been amazing!" Marta said, linking her arm with his. He smiled down at her. Anyone walking by on the city streets could tell that she was having the time of her life. Since Freddy had told her what he had planned for her seventeenth birthday, the grin hadn't left her face.

"It's about to get better," he said.

"What _else_ could we possibly do?"

"See a show?" he whispered in her ear.

She gasped and looked up at him, her blue eyes widening. "No!" He nodded. "Are we really?"

"Yup." He smiled. He loved seeing that look on her face; the one that said that there was no one better than him; the one that told him how much she loved him.

"What show?"

"Whatever you want."

She thought about it while standing in line at the tickets booth. When they finally got up there, Freddy turned to her. "Alright kid, what'll it be?"

Scanning the titles once more, she made her final decision. "Phantom of the Opera." She nodded firmly. "Yes. That's it."

"Alright." He gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Go wait by that McDonalds, and I'll be right there. Get me a double cheeseburger while you're waiting."

"Aw come on Freddy let me stay with you!"

"Nah, it's too crowded over here. I'll meet you there in a minute."

She rolled her eyes. "I'll meet you there but you can get the burger yourself!" She headed off, working her way between the throngs of people.

"I'm mortally wounded," he called after her retreating back. Stepping up to the guy in the booth he said, "Hey man. Two for Phantom."

"We're all out, kid. Pick another show," the guy said. "Next!"

Freddy frowned and walked over to where he'd told Marta to wait. "Marta, they don't have-" He was cut off when he heard someone screaming and looked to his right. He knew that scream and the sound of it cut through his heart like a knife. "Marta!" he yelled. He saw her being dragged away by two big guys; he saw the look on her face, in her eyes. He saw her plead with him to save her.

He stood there for a three seconds. A full three seconds. Then he took after the girl he loved and the men who had her, and he followed them down an alley.

Now Freddy had always prided himself on being nicely built. But he never knew that he was this out of shape. Just running after Marta was making him breath heavily and because of this he began to lag behind. But he kept running.

When he finally reached them, the men were struggling with her. One was holding her down with a gun to the back of her head and the other was cutting at her shirt with a knife. Man B succeeded in getting the shirt off, and he began to feel Marta up.

"Get _away_ from me!" she exclaimed loudly before Man A put his hand over her mouth; to which she proceeded to bite his fingers.

"Ow!" Man A exclaimed, taking his hands off Marta to nurse his fingers. Man B just held her tighter.

"Why'd you let go??" B exclaimed.

"She BIT me!" A replied.

"Oh shut up you big baby," B told him.

"Freddy!" Marta exclaimed upon site of him. The arm that he'd raised that was making large swiping motions fell as he stared at his girlfriend. The two men turned on him; one coming after him, the other holding a shirtless Marta.

"What are you doing here kid? This ain't your business!" A shouted at him, waving his gun at Freddy.

"That's…that's my girlfriend!" Freddy stuttered, unable to think of something to say in the face of a gun.

"That's…that's my girlfriend!" B said mockingly from behind A.

"Oh Freddy, please help me…please!" Marta pleaded with him, her blue eyes wide with fear. "Oh God Freddy please…"

Freddy didn't know what came over him; he was usually a passive guy. Then he took a swing at A. seconds later he realized what a bad move that was.

Man A came at him with the gun. The next thing he knew it was cracked against his temple and he knew no more.

When Freddy woke up, the first thing he was aware of was the throbbing pain in his head. _What the hell…_he thought. Then he remembered.

"Marta." He got up, then tripped. "Marta? Marta are you here?" He looked around and spotted the body of his love laying a few feet away, covered only by mere scraps of clothing. He ripped off his jacket and laid it on her body.

"Marta…Marta wake up." As he cradled her in his arms, he noticed a large purple bump on her head and knew that she had been struck by the gun as well. "Come on kid, wake up." Somehow in his grief he managed to check her pulse. It was there…it was faint, to be sure…but it was there, and that was better than nothing and Freddy was willing to take it. "Marta…baby please wake up!"

He inspected her once beautiful body; it was now covered in bruises and blood. "Oh God," he whispered closing his eyes to the sight.

He picked up her battered body, making sure that it was covered by his jacket. He made his way slowly to the opening of the alley, out into the street. "Where's the nearest hospital?" No one seemed to answer. Everyone was shocked by the sight of a bruised blonde boy and his battered girlfriend. "Please, someone…I need a hospital!"

"Next block," a man said, pointing to the left.

Freddy's heart surged with compassion for this man, and he thanked him profusely, running off with Marta in his arms. He was amazed at the speed he was able to run, seeing as how running like this made him so tired before. Marta was jostled around in his arms as he passed people, her head lolling around on the crook of his shoulder.

He raced through the double glass doors and started yelling. "Help! Someone please help, something happened! I was hit on the head, and I passed out…my girlfriend…she needs help…please!"

"Calm down son," a nurse said, calling doctors over so they could load Marta onto a stretcher. "Start from the beginning."

Freddy stared at the woman, unable to understand. Marta was leaving him…they were taking her to an operating room so they could determine what was wrong…or at least that's what the nurse was saying.

"What's her name, young man? We need to contact her parents."

"Hale," he choked out. "Hale. Marta Hale. Her parents are David and Samantha."

"Good. What's your name?"

"Freddy. Freddy Jones. I don't know…is she alright? Please tell me she's going to be alright!" Freddy exclaimed, grabbing the nurses arm desperately.

"Mr. Jones, why don't you have a seat, so that you and I can talk." The nurse pulled him into an office and sat him down. "Now, what happened?"

Freddy tried to collect his thoughts. "It's her birthday…she's turning seventeen and…I…I wanted it to be special. I took her to the city…" He hit himself on the head. "Obviously, why else would we be here? But I went to the tickets booth…to get tickets…and I told her to wait for me at McDonalds. I went back because they were sold out of Phantom. She wanted to see Phantom. It's her birthday. She wanted to see Phantom and she was going to see Phantom. I went back to tell her…and she was being dragged off by two big guys. I ran after them. But…I wasn't…I wasn't fast enough. I…wasn't strong enough. I couldn't do it." He looked up at the nurse, tears falling down his face. "I caught up with them…and one was holding her the other was cutting off her shirt. She saw me and yelled my name…she was pleading with me…she needed me…I couldn't help her…one of the guys came after me…he had a guy and he smashed me on the head with it…" Remembering his bruise, he lifted his hand to his temple and winced. "He hit me on the head, and I passed out…I woke up and I saw her…and she's so bruised, and bloody and the bump on her head is too big to be safe…what's going to happen to her?" Freddy looked at the nurse pleadingly. "She's going to be fine. Please tell me she's going to be fine!"

The nurse touched his arm. "Mr. Jones, we'll do everything we can, but I can't make any guarantees."

"No! That's not good enough!" he yelled, picking up a mug from her desk and throwing it on the ground. He and the nurse both stared at it. The crash seemed to have worked in bringing him into reality. His girlfriend was hurt. He was at the hospital. He had to call her parents, and find her and be with her. But first he had to clean up the glass.

"Oh God…" he said. "I'm so…I'm so sorry." He bent down and started picking up the glass.

"It's alright Freddy," the nurse said gently. She took hold of his arm and pulled him up. "Go call her parents. I'm sure they'd rather hear it from you."

He looked at her, and took only one second to dash out of that room and out the double doors of which he'd entered to get reception on his cell phone.

"Mrs. Hale…thank God you're home…"

Freddy sat outside of Marta's room. The doctors had done all they could, and they did a lot. They found out what was wrong with her, and managed to stabilize her condition due to her bashed head.

The first thing they did upon seeing Freddy was pull him in for questioning.

Have you and Miss Hale had sexual relations.  
No.  
Have you ever struck her.  
No.  
Why were you in New York City today?  
It's her birthday.  
Today exactly? How old is she.  
17.  
Was she hit on the head.  
Yes.  
Was she jostled at all.  
Yes.  
When she was hit?  
No when I ran with her.

Then the clincher: What happened?

He just repeated the story for them…the same words he'd told the nurse earlier. But they had no effect. It wasn't until they were thoroughly satisfied with his answer that they would tell him what was wrong with Marta.

She'd been raped.

Not once. No, that would have been to easy.

They'd raped her twice. They'd taken advantage of her twice. Then they'd smashed her on the head with the gun they'd hit Freddy with, and left the both of them for dead.

Freddy couldn't stand that. He'd lain there helpless…what had been going through Marta's mind? Was she angry with him for provoking Man A? Was she afraid for him? Was she scared for _her_?

He put his head in his hands and pressed hard. He tried to block out all these thoughts…he had to stay strong for the Hales. They'd arrived just as Freddy was coming out from talking to the doctors. They were Marta's room now. They'd told him to come in…but he couldn't bring himself to do so.

They'd trusted him. They didn't want their only daughter going into the city with only her boyfriend, who was a bit of a hot head. They'd been nervous…but Freddy had promised to take care of her. He'd promised to take care of their baby girl and look where it landed her.

The door to Marta's room opened and the Hales came out. Mrs. Hale had tears streaming down her face; Mr. Hales grief seemed beyond tears. His princess was in a hospital bed unconscious. Freddy wouldn't have known what to feel.

"Mr. Hale…Mrs. Hale…I'm so…I'm so sorry! My God, I'm so sorry…you were right. I shouldn't have taken her…it's all my fault that she's in there…all my fault!" he exclaimed upon seeing them.

Mr. Hale took him by the shoulders. "Freddy, this is no time for blame. Marta needs us to stay together for her. We don't blame you a bit. You did everything you could. She called us from that McDonalds, only seconds before the…incident most likely. She'd been having the best day of her life. Thank you for doing that for my baby," he choked. His wife lead him down the hall, after telling Freddy that they were going for coffee.

Freddy walked into Marta's room. His blonde beauty was hooked up to so many machines…he could barely stand to look. But he did.

"Marta…" He took a chair next to her bed. "Marta…oh my poor baby, I'm so sorry…this is all my fault…you wanted to stay with me…and I should have let you. If only I had been stronger…or faster…this is all my fault! Oh Marta…"

He took her hand, and laid his head on the pillow next to hers and cried, taking her hand. His tears feel and landed on her soft skin.

He was caught up in his grief, and didn't realize what was happening as it was: Marta was crying as well. His tears began to mix with hers as he lifted his head and rained kisses on her face. Her eyes opened slowly, only slightly.

"Marta…oh Marta you're alright!" he said.

"It's not…it's not your fault," she croaked out. "Don't…blame yourself."

"No, there'll be plenty of time for that later. Just rest now," Freddy replied overjoyed.

She smiled at him, and kissed his mouth with every ounce of strength she possessed in her frail body at the time. "I love you," she said as her eyes closed again.

"Can I get a doctor!" Freddy yelled, wrenching open the door, as her heart monitor went flat. "Doctor! Please! Marta Hale was awake! Please someone come!"

"Freddy what are you talking about?" Mrs. Hale said as she and her husband returned.

"It's Marta…she was awake…she talked to me for minute…now something's wrong and her monitor…it isn't…it isn't working right, or something!"

"My baby!" Mr. Hale exclaimed as he was pushed out of the doorway by a team of doctors. The Hales and Freddy took a seat outside her door. It was about ten minutes before they found out anything else.

"I'm sorry," the doctor said. "But we've lost her."

Silence. Silence followed. No one knew what to say, and no one tried.

"I'm sorry," Freddy said, echoing the doctors words, turning to the Hales. "I'm so sorry…"

The funeral was a week later. Everyone who ever knew Marta Jennifer Hale attended. Freddy didn't think it was enough. He blamed himself the whole time. If only…if only…if only…that was all he could think about.

The Hales convinced Freddy to give a eulogy at the funeral. He'd refused at first, saying that he didn't want to tarnish Marta's memory by doing it when it was his fault in the first place that she wasn't there.

Mr. Hale was very persistent, saying that Marta loved him and wouldn't want him to blame himself. He repeated what he'd told Freddy at the hospital about Marta having the best day of her live.

"Look around her room a bit," Mr. Hale had said. "Then come back and tell me your decision."

So Freddy did. He searched his girlfriends room for three full days. He didn't leave the room for those three days, choosing to sleep on the floor of her room. The Hales didn't seem to mind.

He looked at everything. He started with her letters.

_Marta-  
__Will you go out with me? Circle yes or no.  
__- Freddy_

Freddy smiled at the word yes that was circled.

_Dear Marta,  
__How's chemistry? I know this is random but I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me. I love you Marta Hale. I love you so much. Just seeing you, or talking to you makes my day so much better. I hope that we're together forever.  
__Love,  
__Freddy  
__Ps- don't empirical formulas suck?!?!?!?!?!_

That'd made her so happy; it was the first time he'd told her that he loved her.

He read the rest of the letters, some from himself some from others. Then carefully he put them back in the shoe box, un-beckoned tears streaking down his face.

He looked at everything. He looked at her books, in her drawers, at her pictures, even at her homework. He left nothing un-inspected.

There were so many pictures of himself and the girl he loved that he left the room to ask Mrs. Hale if he could take some. With her approval he grabbed them all; all three boxes.

He sat on Marta's bed and laid his head on her pillow. It felt like he was laying on something hard, though. Reaching under the pillow, he pulled out Marta's diary. Opening it to the first page, he took note that it started on the day he'd asked her out, when they'd been fourteen. That was the earliest entry.

_Dear Diary,  
__You'll never believe it! Freddy Jones asked me out…that's right _the_ Freddy Jones! He asked _me_, plain old Marta Hale. I can't believe he even knows I exist! Oh well, he'll be here any minute, and I still look completely ugly.  
__Love, Marta_

Freddy smiled to himself. God she'd looked beautiful that day…so beautiful. If he hadn't already loved her he'd have fallen head over heels when he picked her up. He remembered her father sitting in his living room…polishing his sword…collection…and shuddered.

He read the diary for the next hour and a half.

_Dear Diary,  
__Tomorrow's my birthday! I'll be 17. I can't wait. Freddy's taking me somewhere, but he won't tell me where. Mom and Daddy know but they won't tell either. Oh well…I can't wait. I love him so much. I want to marry him. I know I'm only almost-17, but I love him so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I already know that, just him and me forever. He always protects me, and stands up for me, and makes me feel loved. He's such a sweet guy…and so handsome too…  
__I'd better go to sleep. Good night.  
__Love, Marta._

Freddy's face was soaked with tears. Look how much she loved him…look at how well he'd protected her.

Look at how long forever lasted.

He put the diary down and walked to her computer. He needed a breather. He decided to check his email.

"Spam…spam…spam…spam…spam…spam…spam…spam…spam…Marta… spam…spam…spam…Zack…spam…WHOA!" He clicked back and opened the email.____

_Dear Freddy,  
__Hi...I know it's late but I just keep thinking about you. I can't wait until you come get me for my birthday tomorrow.  
__I love you so much Freddy…I hope you know how happy you make me.  
__See you tomorrow! Whatever you've got planned will be awesome. It always is.  
__Love and kisses,  
__Marta_

Freddy was smiling. From his three days, it'd been made clear to him that the love between them was returned ounce for ounce. He left Marta's room, his gathered mementos in a box.

Facing the Hales, he sighed. "I'll do it," he said.

Standing at the podium Freddy almost changed his mind. But it was too late.

"Friends, family, dear ones," he began. "I'm…I'm not good at this type of thing. Marta is…was. She is…was so smart, and nice, and pretty, and funny. Everyone loved her. Especially me. I loved her more than anything…even more than the drums. Marta has…had this ability to light everything up as soon as she walked into the room, and to make anyone and everyone feel comfortable in any situation. We're here to celebrate that, the life of Marta. She was…is perfect. Perfect," he repeated looking at her body. "I'm so sorry. She's so good, and I'm so…I should have tried harder. I should have fought harder. I'm sorry everyone." Those pesky tears were falling again. Someone's hand was on his shoulder but he couldn't make out the face. They were all swimming together, the faces. People seemed to be coming at him. Someone was talking to him. Talking…talking…but he couldn't make out the words.

He wrenched himself away and ran blindly to his car and drove home.

He laid in his room for weeks, only coming out to shower. His mother brought him food, but he couldn't bring himself to eat it when the girl he was in love with couldn't eat at all.

One day, his mother knocked on his door saying that he had a visitor that he might be interested in seeing. In walked Mrs. Hale.

"Oh Freddy, it's true. Your mother told me what a terrible time you were having. But dear boy you look awful," she said.

"I'm sorry…I just can't…I miss her so much!" he cried.

Mrs. Hale sat down next to him and put her arm around his shoulders. "Honey there are days when I don't feel like getting out of bed either. But I have to. I know my daughter and she wouldn't have wanted us to be miserable. So I do things step by step because I want my Marta to be happy wherever she is. Do you want that?" Freddy nodded. "Then you need to live, darling. Freddy, Marta loved you so much. She talked about you all the time. She was very happy. Mr. Hale and I think that you are a fine young man. You're going to make it. You're going to be fine. Now here, have some soup."

"Mrs. Hale, I just want you to know that I'm sorry I couldn't-"

"Hush Freddy. Mr. Hale and I don't blame you. Neither does Marta. Now eat, then rest. Then get some fresh air. Oh! One more thing. I found these in her car. I think you'll enjoy them." Mrs. Hale handed something to the 17 year old and left the room.

Freddy looked at what he held. They were drumsticks with an inscription on them. _To Freddy: Happy 18th! With love, Marta_.

His eighteenth birthday. She must have been holding on to them; his birthday wasn't until October. He slipped them into his back pocket and pulled the soup towards him. He took a bite, his first step to recovery.

It was a baby step; but it was a start.

_**End Flashback**_

"I'm sorry Marta," the now 18 year old said. "I shouldn't have bounced you so much as I ran. The doctors said you died from blood swelling in the brain…from being jostled…I'm so sorry. It's all my fault…all my fault."

He took a deep breath. "Marta I love you. I always have, and I always will, until the day that I die. I but I have to move o n. I'll never forget you. Wait for me up there…ok?"

He dropped one last flower and turned to go to his car. He didn't notice that a gust of wind blew through and pushed the flower against the tombstone, and then blew it away, like it was never there to begin with.

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Hehe. I hope I made you guys cry…I was aiming for it to be better than my personal favorite of mine, Tears All Dried Up. Let me know if it was!

Review por favor…

Much love,

-Amy-


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